Sometimes you read a headline, and you immediately know deep in your heart of hearts that it's false. The AP provided just such a headline today, above a photo of Condoleeza Rice.

It read "Acid Rock a Rice Favorite".

Mmmm-hmm.

Let us define these polar opposites. Condoleeza Rice is our Secretary of State, and one of President Bush's right-hand mammals. The article says that she trained to become a concert pianist before entering public service. The music world's loss is America's.....well, loss.

Acid rock is an out of date term for rock music inspired by, and made to be listened to under the influence of, LSD. LSD, for the sake of the innocent, is a strong hallucinagen that helps people see sounds, taste colors, and hear odors. Occasionally, it makes little two inch Vargas models with butterfly wings flit quickly around your head and lovingly tweak your nose.

That's the good stuff.

It has a down side, though. People who use massive amounts of the drug over a long period of time have been known to consider Jim Morrison a "poet".

So acid rock is, in short, rock music made for trippers, by trippers. It refers to bands like The Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, and Blue Cheer, among others. At least, it did back in the day when the term was in common use. And here's the AP telling me that Condoleeza Rice is a fan.

They belied themselves, though, by giving us her top 10 list. Here it is:

1) Mozart's Piano Concerto in D Minor.

If Mozart had lived long enough, he may have experimented. He didn't.

2) Cream- Sunshine of Your Love

I never really thought of Cream, or any Clapton effort, as "acid" rock. It really wasn't psychadelic.  Cream was fairly straightforward blues based rock, expertly played.

3) Aretha Franklin- Respect

It's called Rhythm and Blues, jerks.

4) Kool and the Gang- Celebration

That's not acid rock, it's pina colada rock.

5) Brahms- Piano Concerto no.2

6) Brahms- Piano Quintet in F Minor

They don't really even seem to know what "rock" is, do they?

7) U2- anything, I guess. She didn't nail it down to one particular song.

How much acid was consumed in the making of this list? U2 is not- repeat, NOT-psychadelic. I don't care how  many Beatles songs they mimic.  

8) Elton John- Rocket Man

Straightforward 70's pop music, to my ear. Very catchy tune. The only connection to acid that I can  see is the fact that it would take a truckload of pure liquid to make me forgive those idiotic lyrics. Yes, I said  idiotic. Take the second verse:
  
    Mars ain't the kind of place to raise the kids,
    In fact, it's cold as hell.
    And there's NO ONE there to raise them
    If YOU did.

Exactly what the hell does that last part mean? If you raised your kids on Mars, there'd be no one there to raise them? Huh?

It was amusing, though, that "Rocket Man" reminds Condy of her first boyfriend.

9) Beethoven- Symphony No.7

I love Beethoven, but once again, it doesn't further the point they wish to make.

10) Mussorgsky- Boris Godunov

I like Mussorgsky, too,although I'm partial to "Pictures at an Exhibition". BG is an OPERA, for crying out  loud. Why was "acid rock" even in the headline? Is this administration THAT desperate to connect with somebody?

Here's my advice for Condi:

1) Drop a few tabs. With your CIA connections, you can get it in minutes. The good Vargas-tweaky stuff.

2) Listen to these albums: The Grateful Dead- "Anthem of the Sun", Pink Floyd- "Ummagumma", Jimi Hendrix- "Electric  Ladyland", and Iron Butterfly- "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida", which requires LSD just to be said properly.

3) THEN talk to me about acid rock.