I've frequently said that you can convince most people of almost anything by using just four words. Those words are "They did a study."

You don't have to know who "they" are. You don't have to know how the study was done. You don't have to know how the data was collected, what standards were used in interpreting the data, how long the study took, or how large the sample size was. "They did a study" is all you need, because everyone knows that only smart people do studies, and they're certain that someone else who is very smart (and oh, so honest) checked up on these folks to make sure that everything was on the up and up. "They" are frequently considered to be an unimpeachable source.

So now, we have incontrovertable evidence that listening to sexy music makes teenagers have sex earlier. We know this because, well, they did a study.

The study claims that over a thousand virgins were interviewed on the phone. Obviously, this was not done in L.A. or Albuquerque. Then two years later, they were interviewed again, asked if they'd been popped, and what music they listened to. Hey, kids wouldn't lie about sex, would they?

The study focused on rap and hip-hop, of course, and proved that the "demeaning" sexual mesages made boys seek females relentlessly, and girls see themselves as sex objects.

Does any of this sound familiar? Of course it does. They did a study about rock, too. And disco. And probably swing jazz.  And they found the same things.

While not a parent myself, I was once a teenager, and remember a lot of that time. I will now share with the parents in the audience an uncomfortable truth, one I hope you are ready for.

You see, teenagers fuck. A lot. And they enjoy it, despite the fact that most of them aren't doing it very well.

And this is nothing new. My generation got it on all they could to the smarmy strains of "Lost in Love" and the sexy sting of "Paradise By the Dashboard Light". My brother probably lost his virginity listening to "Slow Ride" by Foghat. And how many guys owe their first piece of ass to the Beatles or Elvis? Miles Davis? Glen Miller?

Or even Bing Crosby?

You see, anyone who was once a teenage boy remembers that regardless of the music you liked, getting to home plate was job #1. Teenage boys have always been like that. The phrase "Young, dumb, and full of cum" wasn't coined by Tupac.

And girls have always been likely to see themselves as sex objects. That's why they preen so much. That's why they stuff their bras and follow fashion so closely. No one gets a navel ring to meet MIT entrance requirements.

And as always, adults that couldn't wait to slough off the social stigma of virginity themselves seek to blame the music that their kids love and that they can't stand. I wonder, how many people involved in this study still like to listen to "Walk This Way"?

I also wonder why they think the music comes first. Isn't it equally possible that the kids who are more interested in sex in the first place pick the sexier music to listen to?

So what to do? Ban the music? That will just make the kids want to hear it more. Probably, the only halfway effective thing would be to have Beyonce do a song about using condoms.

So what artists in particular are spreading teenage legs the most? I don't know.

But when I find out, I'll hit Nat up for a special podcast.

* With apologies to Frank Zappa.