Blogovia and the mainstream media alike have been abuzz about the comments made by Ann Coulter recently. The residents of Blogovia, having no minimum educational requirements, have been more supportive, but even that support is sparse. Finding offense with her statements is actually quite easy, requiring only half a brain and the capacity for human emotion.

While discussing it with Lou Dobbs, she said something so wrong, so vile, and so offensive, that this Troll cannot ignore it.

It appears here in this clip.

For those of you who can't watch the video, it plays out like this. Lou started off his interview by comparing her to a conservative Michael Moore, which I would call fair. After all, both are loud, single minded, and don't bother much with facts when an overly emotional assertion with no factual basis will suffice. She was highly offended, though, and said that she is more like a conservative Mencken or a conservative Mark Twain. She actually compared herself to Mark Twain.

I'm going to try to be polite and fair about this.

JUST WHERE THE FUCK DOES THIS NO-TALENT, SPITEFUL, DISINGENUOUS REPUBLICAN CUM SPONGE GET OFF COMPARING HERSELF TO MARK TWAIN???????????

Ahem. I tried. Honest I did.

There are, let us say, ample differences between the two.

First off, Mark Twain was one of the greatest literary minds America, if not the world, ever produced. He could write a bullshit story about a frog and make it spellbinding. People of all nationalities and walks of life can read his work and thoroughly enjoy it. A century and a quarter after it was written, it still has the power to captivate.

Coulter, on the other hand, has a far more limited audience, and doesn't write anything remotely charming. Can anyone reading this honestly say that they expect her to be on the shelves in 2130?

Secondly, Twain had a genuine love for Americans in all walks of life. Read his "Life on the Mississippi', for example. He didn't slander his counrtymen- he made an honest effort to understand them, and doing so, explain them to people who may not travel the way he did. Even in his later, more cynical works (and his life did provide ample reason for such) took humanity to task as a whole. He didn't single people who don't think like him out for vilification. It seemed that he could look at the worst villain and, given enough time, find something worthwhile in his character.

On the other hand, how often does Ann follow the word "liberal" closely with the word "traitor"? How many times has she just made up an unsavory position, such as "cheering" for abortions,and then attributed it to "liberals"? She has time after time demonstrated sheer disdain for half of the country she claims to love. Here's a great example:

"Not exactly smashing stereotypes of liberals as mincing pantywaists, the left's entire contribution to the war effort thus far has been to whine."

Really, Ann? I thought you supported the troops. Isn't this an insult to every service man and woman that happens to be a Democrat? I suppose there AREN'T any, since all Democrats want America to be destroyed, by her reckoning. I never read Twain putting down his own countrymen so crassly. The negative things he said about humanity he said about humanity in general, without getting into nationality or politics. I won't get into the idea that no liberal can be a Christian. I'm saving modern Christian hypocrisy for another essay.

In a related issue, I never read of Twain advocating violence against his fellow Americans. Here's Ann:

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

"We need somebody to put rat poison in Justice Stevens' creme brulee," Coulter said in a Jan. 27 appearance at Philander Smith College in Little Rock, Ark., regarding Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens.

I also remember her saying that the only question as far as Clinton was concerned was impeachment or assassination. Suggesting assassination, even in jest, is cheaper than cheap, and in the President's case can be punishable by law. We wouldn't put her in prison, though, because the other prisoners don't deserve it. They're only criminals.

Want another? Twain's work always had an honesty about it. He might tell a big fish story, but you'd always know that it was a story. Ann Coulter will just lie to you. Look at that video for an example. While criticizing the "Jersey Girls" she says "[I]f you have a point to make, send out somebody who isn't a widow, who isn't an orphan, who didn't have a son die in Iraq, who didn't lose limbs in Vietnam to make the point so that we can respond. ... You never see conservatives doing that. Liberals are putting up human shields."

Conservatives NEVER do that? Every move the government has made since 9/11 has been justified by the 3000 dead on 9/11. It's okay to use these folks to justify whatever you want to do, as long as you aren't related to them? How many times have we been told that criticizing the war in Iraq is harmful and demoralizing to our troops?  Conservatives use the entire military as their human shield. Our military can fight for, but not withstand the use of, freedom of speech? The worst case, I thought, was when conservatives claimed that Cindy Sheehan's son was full tilt in favor of the war, and that she was cheapening his patriotism. How would they know that better than his mom would? Why isn't it cheap when people who didn't even know him use him to promote the war? Why is it that only those who have sacrificed nothing can have a valid viewpoint?

Twain's attitude always was respectful of the ideals in the Constitution of the United States. Here's Ann:

"(Liberals) are always accusing us of repressing their speech. I say let's do it. Let's repress them. ... Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment," Coulter said during an Oct. 21, 2005, speech at the University of Florida. This was several years after she equated dissent with treason.

I'll let Mark speak for himself here:

"There are two kinds of patriotism -- monarchical patriotism and republican patriotism. In the one case the government and the king may rightfully furnish you their notions of patriotism; in the other, neither the government nor the entire nation is privileged to dictate to any individual what the form of his patriotism shall be. The gospel of the monarchical patriotism is: "The King can do no wrong." We have adopted it with all its servility, with an unimportant change in the wording: "Our country, right or wrong!" We have thrown away the most valuable asset we had:-- the individual's right to oppose both flag and country when he (just he, by himself) believed them to be in the wrong. We have thrown it away; and with it all that was really respectable about that grotesque and laughable word, Patriotism."

Now, it's true that America grants the right to be a biased, dishonest, loudmouth, hateful piece of shit to every American. But when one denigrates the memory of one of my foremost literary heroes, I will have something to say about it.

I have read - no, studied and pored over- many of Mark Twain's literary masterpieces. You, Ms. Coulter, are no Mark Twain.

You aren't even farooking Sidney Sheldon.

As a literary artist, you are not fit to fill Mark Twain's inkwell. As a debater, you are not fit to pour Mark Twain's scotch. As an American, you not fit to invoke either of his names.

I have a feeling in my bones that some political blogging is on its' way, but before I do that I thought I might get something out in the open. I've always been on record as saying that I don't consider myself to be Liberal or Conservative, but think things out on an issue-by-issue basis. To me, that is the ONLY way to actually THINK about politics. Anything else is just kneejerk reaction, despite what Ann Coulter says about Mark. So, being the scientific sort, I took this internet quiz:

How Liberal/Conservative are you?

My results are as follows:

***Your Political Profile:***

Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal

Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

This puts me pretty much where I've always said, except for ethics. I have to wonder what "liberal" ethics are as opposed to "conservative" ethics. If we're talking Democrat vs. Republican, I don't see how ethics enters into anything AT ALL.

So where do YOU stand?

1) Flavored dental floss.

I don't have taste buds in my teeth, and I don't floss my tongue. So what's the point?

2) DVD players in vehicles.

Car rides were, to my parents, a great opportunity for me to learn to sit and be quiet. I mean, we could talk, but if I was bored, well, I should have brought something to read. Can't kids read anymore, or do they HAVE to have video available 24/7? No one was EVER responsible for my entertainment, in ANY situation, except ME. You never said "I'm bored" to my Mom unless you wanted to spend the next three hours pruning rose bushes.

So what parents today are doing is training a generation of people who are unprepared to WAIT without being entertained. Boy, this should make the DMV even MORE fun in 20 years. I always bring a book there, myself. Makes those three hours fly right by.

3) Reality TV.

Reality has nothing to do with any of this crap. I'll ask people why they watch it, and they'll say "There's nothing else on."

Well, is watching TV a requirement? Get a hobby! Hell, even BLOGGING is better than THAT. You know those thick paper things you see at the grocery store? They're called BOOKS. Try one, and show one to your kid!

4) Videos for pets. 

Have you ever tried to get your dog to look at the dog on TV? He wouldn't, would he? The stupid shit just looked at your hand with his ears straight up. So I'm going to buy him a DVD?????

Angus wouldn't watch it, anyway. He's too engrossed in reading Le Morte D'Arthur.

5) Flavored douche.

I understand hygeine, but "wild raspberry?" If it's that bad, see your gyno and have him/her check you for BV or trichomonas or something. Or mask it with something that makes sense, like tartar sauce.

6) Scented toilet paper. 

They may smell like lilacs, but they're still dingleberries.

7) Pills for male enhancement. 

God gave you a tongue. Learn how to use it.

8) Prune juice.

Okay, follow me here. What is a prune? It is a dried plum. DRIED. If it's dried, how can it produce juice? What exactly distinguishes plum juice from prune juice, anyway? It's "drier"? At what exact level of dryness does one no longer say "This is plum juice" and start to say "This is prune juice"? And how come there's grape juice, but no raisin juice? And why are plums and grapes the only fruits that have different names when they're dried?

This one preys on my mind.

9) Bumper stickers that show what you support.

Let's face it, no one is FOR breast cancer, so those of you against it can stop patting yourselves on the back. And please take off those stickers from the 2004 election. Either way, you voted for a loser. Big deal if your kid is on the honor roll. If only that guaranteed that he can read and add, like it used to.

10) Most movie remakes. 

Either the original is great, in which case you won't make it better, or it sucked, and you STILL won't make it better. Example: The Omen. Yeesh. Two hours of this kid whacking everyone around him, and in a stunning climax, HE GETS AWAY WITH IT, paving the way for two crappy sequels that combine to form the longest denoument in movie history. And why remake anything made by Hitchcock, Kubrick, or Capra? Those were all made right in the first place.
 
11) Pundits.

People used to read the news, discuss it, and form their own opinions. Now they watch a news report made up of 30 second soundbites and then let some asshole tell them how to feel about it.

12) Blogs about someone's boring day.

Wow! You do dishes???? I do dishes too!!!!!

13) Bobble Heads.

'Nuff said.

First off, I want to thank everyone who commented, e-mailed, or called for their kindness and well wishes. I drove down to see the folks last Friday, returning Sunday. I just now feel like I've finally woken up, however.

It's difficult to predict what will happen now. Dad and both of the nurses tell me that she was much better without one med in particular, her vascular dilator. They tell me that last Thursday, after refusing the meds for a couple days, she was looking better, and was alert- even talking to them. She started taking them again on Friday morning, and was pretty well out of it by the time I got there. She was on and off with the pills while I was there, but I never saw lucidity. I can't say for certain that she even knew I was there, even though she looked right at me when I spoke to her several times. It's really hard to keep talking to her when it's like that.

So the plan is to offer her less of that particular pill. The other pills are absolutely necessary, and they don't want to cut the dilator out completely, either, so they're cutting the offing by 1/2. If she doesn't want to take them, no one will force her. The choice is hers. Right now, though, it seems that the greater danger is the fact that she's not drinking much water. She refuses it a lot, and is starting to dehydrate.

I wonder how conscious she is about her current lot. I can tell you, I wouldn't want to live like that for long.

On the lighter side, the drive was terrific. I was shown a shorter route that cut at least 150 miles off the trip, and was beautiful. I drove through desert for several hours, then went through the Tonto National Forest, a place I will definately return to . Then through more desert. I took plenty of pics, but since I'm still using the ol' emulsion coated ester, it will be a while (if ever) before they are posted. Angus wasn't the most comfortable, but he weathered what will probably be our last road trip together just fine overall, and was Mr. Popular as always. Between Dad and one of the nurses he got a month's worth of attention, and got to eat Mom's leftovers.

The actual drive reminded me of how much I love road trips, and how long since I've been on one. I used to go on road trips all the time when the Grateful Dead were still around, but since I moved here there's been just a couple. I just haven't found friends down here that like to do that. I had a long running friend that would always talk about it, but had an excuse every time the opportunity arose. He was the type of friend that only wanted to do things that were his idea. Then, if you didn't want to do what he suggested, he'd criticise you for "never wanting to do anything." Solo road trips can be okay, but they're always better with a friend. An old friend from college said he might come visit this fall, and we'd hit the road and wander New Mexico. I hope that happens.

So, getting back to Mom, it's really difficult to even guess what's going to happen, since she was at death's door a year ago as well. She could live a few more years, or she could go today, just like the rest of us. I'll just have to wait and see.

I thank you all once more.

Well, We're about outta here, Angus and I. My neighbor is out of town, so I really don't have anyone to look out for him, but what the hell.He always was pretty good on a road trip.

When I spoke to Dad on Wednesday he said that since Ma went off the meds, she seems to have improved. There's more color in her tone and she's more alert. He's hopeful for good news, but I'll wait and see what happens. Then again, we thought she was dying a little over a year ago, so who knows?

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes, both public and private. It's appreciated.

There's no computer where I'm going, so I probably won't be around until next week. Try to have some shit flying when I get back, eh?

1) If stretching were wealth, the cat would be rich. -African

2) Let the female cat run; the tomcat will catch her.  -German

3) The cat laps moonbeams in the bowl of water, thinking them to be milk.  -Hindu

4) The cat is a good friend, only she scratches.  -Portuguese

5) When the cat and mouse agree, the grocer is ruined.  -Iranian

6) A bashful cat makes a proud mouse.  -Scottish

7) In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats.  -English

8) A scalded cat dreads even cold water.  -French

9) The cat loves fish, but hates wet feet.  -Italian

10) A cat is a lion to a mouse.  -Albanian

11) He's as honest as the cat when the meat is out of reach.  -English

12) Happy owner, happy cat. Indifferent owner, reclusive cat.  -Chinese

13) A house without either a cat or a dog is the house of a scoundrel.  -Portuguese

Mom's first stroke nine years ago came as a shock. Considering her medical history and general health, it shouldn't have. But it did.

I'd seen her just about a month before, when the folks swung through New Mexico on a trip from Phoenix to Illinois. She was the same old Mom, looking around in absolute horror while trying her best to give optimistic advice about what was then my new place (and not for long, either- it WAS a horrorshow.) We went and had the single worst italian meal available in America at a small italian restaurant in Moriarty, and had a nice chat. If I had known that it was the last time I'd ever have a REAL chat with Mom, I'd have had a lot more to say.

I went home to visit not long after that first one. It was discomforting, to say the least. My mom was someone who would be up to see the sunrise every day, and have more done before I'd get up than I'd do all day. And she'd do it singing, never letting the fact that she lived in a house filled with early-morning grumps get in her way. Even when she sat down to rest, she'd grab the knitting or embroidery or whatever she was working on at the moment and get something done on THAT. She never saw a movie or a tv show, but she HEARD everything that happened in the house. While humming.

Here was this shell of a woman hunched over in a wheelchair. She tried to do her crafts but became frustrated quickly. She had trouble speaking and just finding the words to say. When she did speak, it was usually something goofy and childlike. She couldn't walk(although it wasn't out of the question at that point), but obviously hated just sitting there. She was raised in a family of 11 children, during WWII. Her generation doesn't just sit there. She was a different person. The old mom wasn't dead- she was moved, if you will, into another room, and we couldn't really see her anymore. But she could see us, and it was eating away at her.

All because of a few minutes without blood. Precious minutes.

There was hope at that time for a partial recovery, given time and effort. She had the time, but the efforts were few and far between. She just gave up. She didn't try to walk. She didn't try to excercise. She was sketchy with the medicine. She said on many occasions that she just wanted to die. No amount of pep talks or pleading from anyone could rouse her interest. The song she always woke up with was gone.

And for the first time, I missed it.

Things continued in that vein for many years, with mom making only token efforts while playing the scamp and driving Dad crazy. For his part, you've never seen a man more devoted to taking care of someone else. He had help from nurses and from my brother in Phoenix, but shouldered most of it himself, despite his own health concerns. Once again, I'm proud of him.

Then one day about three years ago, Mom turned to Dad and said "I want to live". She'd finally decided that enough was enough. She made a commitment to do the exercises and take the medicines. To make the effort to turn her condition around. To stay with those she loved. To live.

Two weeks later, he couldn't wake her up. She had another series of strokes, one after another. She was eventually woken, but had lost a lot of brain function. She was left with only one quarter, enough to keep the body running and the mind almost there. But not quite.

The window of opportunity had closed. And she had finally, only just started looking through it.

Since then, she has been bedridden. She watches tv and has brief talks, but has trouble because, as she says, she "can't find the words". I speak to her on the phone, but it is very brief, because we can't really talk. I just tell her that I'm fine, and that I love her. Then she drifts off, and I go back to Dad. As I've said, it is like she's already gone, but I can't say goodbye, and it isn't right to start grieving yet. Mom is still here.... it's the REAL Mom that's been gone.

I spoke with Dad tonight, to give him my new phone number. He told me the latest. She's gone off her medication. She simply refuses to take it for Dad, the nurses, or anyone. He's spoken to her doctor about it, and been told not to force her. He's been told to simply make her comfortable. They've changed her nursing care to hospice care.

She had only one more decision left. And she's made it.

I'll be going to Phoenix this week to say goodbye to my Mom. After nine years of prep time, I still don't know how.

I just know I'd give a lot just to hear her sing something. Anything. Just one more time.

In a way, it was my own fault. I know that a lot of stuff gets stolen, per capita, here in 'Burque. Humans will be magpies. And still, I left  the window open.

You see, I thought that I'd be going out again, but I hadn't considered one important fact. We trolls, associating primarily with ogres, orcs, Jehovah's Witnesses, and other assorted fiendish thingies as we do, have crappy social lives. So I did not crawl out from under my bridge that night, and I forgot that the window was open.

Nor did I notice on Saturday, one of the laziest days of my existence. It was a long week of go-getting.....baby goats don't just trap, kill, roast and serve THEMSELVES, you know. So I didn't notice until Sunday morning, when I was heading out to run errands while all the crazy drivers were at church.

As I sat in the driver's seat, berating myself for you-know-what, I just felt that something was wrong.

I looked in the back. That's where the laptop computer was. It's a six or seven year old piece of death with a two gig drive, that hasn't booted up in 9 months or so. Every once in a while I get a hair up my ass to try and fix it. It's my "Rubik's Cube". It was still there, along with a table that I grabbed from the old bridge and hadn't brought in yet, and some pregnancy tests that a client had returned on Friday afternoon, as they were the wrong type. All untouched.

The stereo! Still there. Then I thought about the equipment sample I've been carrying. A little machine, the size of a small camera, that runs lipid and glucose tests on a drop of blood. It's worth about $500.00 by itself. And like my briefcase and my other samples, it was right where I left it.

I thought about my tapes. This vehicle came with a tape deck instead of a cd player, and before getting my cd player installed, I was taking the opportunity to get reaquainted with my old tape colllection. It seemed to all be there. I've always thought that it would be an ironic benefit to an eclectic musical taste, that no one would want to steal your tapes. And there they were, next to the pens.

But the pens belong in the ashtray.

Bingo. Some lawless bastard stole my ashtray.

Ignoring, the tapes, the medical samples, the tape deck, the laptop computer, and the miniature medical testing device, this archfiend made off with an ashtray, possibly 50 pennies, some fuses, and half a roll of Extra Strength Tums, which are  a staple of my diet.

So now when I look at my dashboard, I see a hole. It makes me sad that I left my window open.

But it makes me glad that crack makes people stupid.

Nat does this thing called a Friday Five, which is like a Thursday Thirteen except it's a day late and eight dollars short. She did a very cool list of her fave record covers this week, an idea that inspired me to steal it. I wonder, did Nat have as much trouble as I did using just five?

In no particular order..... five of my favorite record covers.

1) The Mothers of Invention- Weasels Ripped My Flesh

This is just too weird not to love.

2) Peter Gabriel- 2nd album

PG is tops in the singer/songwriter catagory, IMO. See his video "Secret World Live" to appreciate what a performance genius he is.

3) Grateful Dead- Blues for Allah

I wish I could have found a larger pic so you could see the beautiful detail.

4) Peter Sinfield - Still

This painting is "The Big Friend" by Sulamith Wulfing. The cover shown is the rare blue cover. The more common cover was the same thing in pink.

5) Mom's Apple Pie - Mom's Apple Pie

This one is famous for the art more than the music. In fact, I have the album but I don't remember what it sounds like. It seems innocent enough at first glance, but take a good look at that missing slice of pie....

After the retailers caught on, they complained to the record company, who forced a change. The missing slice was covered with bricks and barbed wire, and Mom had a tear running down her cheek.

Recently, Mark has been plagued by people who consider "Love Hurts" to be a Nazareth song instead of a Gram Parsons song. To be honest, that was news to me as well. Most folks WILL consider it a Nazareth song, since that version was the bigger hit. It's not the only one- here's 13 more songs that were bigger hits the second time around.

1) Our Lips Are Sealed/The Go-Go's

Originally by Fun Boy Three. Crappy both times.

2) Blinded By the Light/Manfred Mann's Earth Band

This is the party tune that started many a drunken discussion about whether or not they said "douche".  The original Springsteen version, which sounded like it was recorded immediately after a drunken bar fight, didn't help.

3) Once Bitten, Twice Shy/Great White

Former Mott the Hoople frontman Ian Hunter didn't get as big a hit with his original version, but then again he never baked a crowd of people alive, either.

4) After Midnight/Eric Clapton

This was written and recorded by the formidable, but not famous, J.J. Cale. So was Cocaine.

5) Call Me the Breeze/Lynyrd Skynyrd

J.J. Cale again.

6) Blue Suede Shoes/Elvis Presley

The King of Sneer took this tune from Carl Perkins.

7) Venus/Bananarama

Originally done 20 years earlier by one-hit-wonder Shocking Blue. Another sterling example of someone taking a crappy song and making it just as crappy all over again.

8) Lotta Love/Nicholette Larson

She also sang the backup vocals for Neil Young's original version.

9) Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix

Actually, this was the 7th version, and by no means the last. The first was in 1965, by The Leaves.

10) I'm a Believer/The Monkees

Would you believe Neil Diamond?

11) One Way Out/Allman Brothers

This is the song playing in the background while the drunks have the "douche" argument. The original was Sonny Boy Williamson in 1961, but the 1965 version by Elmore James is also worth a mention.

12) Crossroads/Cream

There's been a million versions of this blues standard. Cream's great version is the best known, and I'm uncertain as to why, since this goes all the way back to Robert Johnson in 1936.

13) Black Magic Woman/Santana

Okay, this version deserves to be the more famous one. It is a bit better than the original one by the original Fleetwood Mac. Peter Green's Fleetwood Mac is still the best lineup that band ever had, though. In fact, they were one of the best blues bands that England ever produced.