In a way, it was my own fault. I know that a lot of stuff gets stolen, per capita, here in 'Burque. Humans will be magpies. And still, I left  the window open.

You see, I thought that I'd be going out again, but I hadn't considered one important fact. We trolls, associating primarily with ogres, orcs, Jehovah's Witnesses, and other assorted fiendish thingies as we do, have crappy social lives. So I did not crawl out from under my bridge that night, and I forgot that the window was open.

Nor did I notice on Saturday, one of the laziest days of my existence. It was a long week of go-getting.....baby goats don't just trap, kill, roast and serve THEMSELVES, you know. So I didn't notice until Sunday morning, when I was heading out to run errands while all the crazy drivers were at church.

As I sat in the driver's seat, berating myself for you-know-what, I just felt that something was wrong.

I looked in the back. That's where the laptop computer was. It's a six or seven year old piece of death with a two gig drive, that hasn't booted up in 9 months or so. Every once in a while I get a hair up my ass to try and fix it. It's my "Rubik's Cube". It was still there, along with a table that I grabbed from the old bridge and hadn't brought in yet, and some pregnancy tests that a client had returned on Friday afternoon, as they were the wrong type. All untouched.

The stereo! Still there. Then I thought about the equipment sample I've been carrying. A little machine, the size of a small camera, that runs lipid and glucose tests on a drop of blood. It's worth about $500.00 by itself. And like my briefcase and my other samples, it was right where I left it.

I thought about my tapes. This vehicle came with a tape deck instead of a cd player, and before getting my cd player installed, I was taking the opportunity to get reaquainted with my old tape colllection. It seemed to all be there. I've always thought that it would be an ironic benefit to an eclectic musical taste, that no one would want to steal your tapes. And there they were, next to the pens.

But the pens belong in the ashtray.

Bingo. Some lawless bastard stole my ashtray.

Ignoring, the tapes, the medical samples, the tape deck, the laptop computer, and the miniature medical testing device, this archfiend made off with an ashtray, possibly 50 pennies, some fuses, and half a roll of Extra Strength Tums, which are  a staple of my diet.

So now when I look at my dashboard, I see a hole. It makes me sad that I left my window open.

But it makes me glad that crack makes people stupid.

Nat does this thing called a Friday Five, which is like a Thursday Thirteen except it's a day late and eight dollars short. She did a very cool list of her fave record covers this week, an idea that inspired me to steal it. I wonder, did Nat have as much trouble as I did using just five?

In no particular order..... five of my favorite record covers.

1) The Mothers of Invention- Weasels Ripped My Flesh

This is just too weird not to love.

2) Peter Gabriel- 2nd album

PG is tops in the singer/songwriter catagory, IMO. See his video "Secret World Live" to appreciate what a performance genius he is.

3) Grateful Dead- Blues for Allah

I wish I could have found a larger pic so you could see the beautiful detail.

4) Peter Sinfield - Still

This painting is "The Big Friend" by Sulamith Wulfing. The cover shown is the rare blue cover. The more common cover was the same thing in pink.

5) Mom's Apple Pie - Mom's Apple Pie

This one is famous for the art more than the music. In fact, I have the album but I don't remember what it sounds like. It seems innocent enough at first glance, but take a good look at that missing slice of pie....

After the retailers caught on, they complained to the record company, who forced a change. The missing slice was covered with bricks and barbed wire, and Mom had a tear running down her cheek.

Recently, Mark has been plagued by people who consider "Love Hurts" to be a Nazareth song instead of a Gram Parsons song. To be honest, that was news to me as well. Most folks WILL consider it a Nazareth song, since that version was the bigger hit. It's not the only one- here's 13 more songs that were bigger hits the second time around.

1) Our Lips Are Sealed/The Go-Go's

Originally by Fun Boy Three. Crappy both times.

2) Blinded By the Light/Manfred Mann's Earth Band

This is the party tune that started many a drunken discussion about whether or not they said "douche".  The original Springsteen version, which sounded like it was recorded immediately after a drunken bar fight, didn't help.

3) Once Bitten, Twice Shy/Great White

Former Mott the Hoople frontman Ian Hunter didn't get as big a hit with his original version, but then again he never baked a crowd of people alive, either.

4) After Midnight/Eric Clapton

This was written and recorded by the formidable, but not famous, J.J. Cale. So was Cocaine.

5) Call Me the Breeze/Lynyrd Skynyrd

J.J. Cale again.

6) Blue Suede Shoes/Elvis Presley

The King of Sneer took this tune from Carl Perkins.

7) Venus/Bananarama

Originally done 20 years earlier by one-hit-wonder Shocking Blue. Another sterling example of someone taking a crappy song and making it just as crappy all over again.

8) Lotta Love/Nicholette Larson

She also sang the backup vocals for Neil Young's original version.

9) Hey Joe/Jimi Hendrix

Actually, this was the 7th version, and by no means the last. The first was in 1965, by The Leaves.

10) I'm a Believer/The Monkees

Would you believe Neil Diamond?

11) One Way Out/Allman Brothers

This is the song playing in the background while the drunks have the "douche" argument. The original was Sonny Boy Williamson in 1961, but the 1965 version by Elmore James is also worth a mention.

12) Crossroads/Cream

There's been a million versions of this blues standard. Cream's great version is the best known, and I'm uncertain as to why, since this goes all the way back to Robert Johnson in 1936.

13) Black Magic Woman/Santana

Okay, this version deserves to be the more famous one. It is a bit better than the original one by the original Fleetwood Mac. Peter Green's Fleetwood Mac is still the best lineup that band ever had, though. In fact, they were one of the best blues bands that England ever produced.

I'm SICK of friggin' kibble!!!!!!

Sometimes you read a headline, and you immediately know deep in your heart of hearts that it's false. The AP provided just such a headline today, above a photo of Condoleeza Rice.

It read "Acid Rock a Rice Favorite".

Mmmm-hmm.

Let us define these polar opposites. Condoleeza Rice is our Secretary of State, and one of President Bush's right-hand mammals. The article says that she trained to become a concert pianist before entering public service. The music world's loss is America's.....well, loss.

Acid rock is an out of date term for rock music inspired by, and made to be listened to under the influence of, LSD. LSD, for the sake of the innocent, is a strong hallucinagen that helps people see sounds, taste colors, and hear odors. Occasionally, it makes little two inch Vargas models with butterfly wings flit quickly around your head and lovingly tweak your nose.

That's the good stuff.

It has a down side, though. People who use massive amounts of the drug over a long period of time have been known to consider Jim Morrison a "poet".

So acid rock is, in short, rock music made for trippers, by trippers. It refers to bands like The Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, and Blue Cheer, among others. At least, it did back in the day when the term was in common use. And here's the AP telling me that Condoleeza Rice is a fan.

They belied themselves, though, by giving us her top 10 list. Here it is:

1) Mozart's Piano Concerto in D Minor.

If Mozart had lived long enough, he may have experimented. He didn't.

2) Cream- Sunshine of Your Love

I never really thought of Cream, or any Clapton effort, as "acid" rock. It really wasn't psychadelic.  Cream was fairly straightforward blues based rock, expertly played.

3) Aretha Franklin- Respect

It's called Rhythm and Blues, jerks.

4) Kool and the Gang- Celebration

That's not acid rock, it's pina colada rock.

5) Brahms- Piano Concerto no.2

6) Brahms- Piano Quintet in F Minor

They don't really even seem to know what "rock" is, do they?

7) U2- anything, I guess. She didn't nail it down to one particular song.

How much acid was consumed in the making of this list? U2 is not- repeat, NOT-psychadelic. I don't care how  many Beatles songs they mimic.  

8) Elton John- Rocket Man

Straightforward 70's pop music, to my ear. Very catchy tune. The only connection to acid that I can  see is the fact that it would take a truckload of pure liquid to make me forgive those idiotic lyrics. Yes, I said  idiotic. Take the second verse:
  
    Mars ain't the kind of place to raise the kids,
    In fact, it's cold as hell.
    And there's NO ONE there to raise them
    If YOU did.

Exactly what the hell does that last part mean? If you raised your kids on Mars, there'd be no one there to raise them? Huh?

It was amusing, though, that "Rocket Man" reminds Condy of her first boyfriend.

9) Beethoven- Symphony No.7

I love Beethoven, but once again, it doesn't further the point they wish to make.

10) Mussorgsky- Boris Godunov

I like Mussorgsky, too,although I'm partial to "Pictures at an Exhibition". BG is an OPERA, for crying out  loud. Why was "acid rock" even in the headline? Is this administration THAT desperate to connect with somebody?

Here's my advice for Condi:

1) Drop a few tabs. With your CIA connections, you can get it in minutes. The good Vargas-tweaky stuff.

2) Listen to these albums: The Grateful Dead- "Anthem of the Sun", Pink Floyd- "Ummagumma", Jimi Hendrix- "Electric  Ladyland", and Iron Butterfly- "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida", which requires LSD just to be said properly.

3) THEN talk to me about acid rock.

I was tagged, in a way, for the new meme going around, but that thing is long enough to remotely resemble work. So I'll post this instead. I wrote it a week or so ago, but didn't post it because 1) I wasn't tagged, and 2) I was being nagged to post, so it was more fun not to. Here it is...........

...............................................................................................................................

I wasn't tagged for this little game thingie, but I hate to see my favorite band being so crassly ignored. So here's the Pink Floyd version.

1. Are you male or female? Arnold Layne

2. Describe yourself. Lucifer Sam

3. How do some people feel about you? One of These Days (I'm Going to Cut You into Little Pieces)

4. How do you feel about yourself? Point Me at the Sky

5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Another Brick in the Wall (part III)

6. Describe your current significant other: Is There Anybody Out There?

7. Describe where you want to be: Grantchester Meadows

8. Describe how you live: Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving with a Pict

9. Describe how you love: When You're In

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish? A Saucerful of Secrets (thought I was going to say "Money", didn't you?)

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Careful With That Axe, Eugene

12. Now say goodbye: Eclipse

Now watch me get tagged for something I have no frigging clue about...........

1. First meal eaten- Carne Asada burrito from Losbetos. Maybe the best burrito in a city filled with burritos, and it's right around the corner now.
2. First meal prepared once the kitchen was ready- Pizza Fish.
3. First neighbor met- Ruben next door. He's a homebrewer also.
4. First thing not working right- The toilet handle. You have to jiggle it or it will flush forever.
5. First movie watched-- Raiders of the Lost Ark. No particular reason, it just came up on the Netflix queue.
6. First CD listened to- Miles Davis, Kind Of Blue
7. First bootleg listened to/watched - Audio- Anders Osbourne w/ Big Chief Monk Boudreax 10-23-02 State Theater, Falls Church Va    - Video- Led Zeppelin, Knebworth, 1979      
8. First beer- Boulder Beer's Planet Porter                 
9. First friend to see the new place- Amy C., when she helped me move.   
10. First mystery- what (or who) is buried in the back yard that Angus wants to dig up? 
11. First TV show I thought of when I saw the oven- The Dick Van Dyke Show
12. First freaky dream- I'm in my new place (it's not the place I actually live in, but in the dream I understand that it is my new place. You know how dreams are.) I'm just going about my business at about bedtime, and I'm alone in the living room, when I hear a voice from in the room say "Get out of my house!". Then another voice says "Go to bed." The second voice is even scarier because it is trying to sound reassuring.
13. First thing Angus got in trouble for-- crapping on the floor. I was RIGHT THERE and he didn't even ask to go out. Luckily, it was one of the loafy ones.

....some smartass posts some more tests! Will there NEVER be time for sleep?

I found two cool quizzes at a site called Astroblog (pronounced RASTRORAWG) the other day. For some reason, however, I can't get the links to the quizzes to work here, but you can find them at Astro. The first was:

What is your sense of humor like?

My results:

The Wit

(57% dark, 30% spontaneous, 15% vulgar)
your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

The second test was:

Would you have been a Nazi in Hitler's Germany?

My results:

The Expatriate

Achtung! You are 23% brainwashworthy, 18% antitolerant, and 28% blindly patriotic 
Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country.

One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.

Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could have been one of them.

Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.
 

"Just another dead doper. And a dirt bag."

Those were Rush Limbaugh's words about Jerry Garcia upon the guitarist's death. Rush, the paragon of the righteous right, of course felt justified in this offhand dismissal of a wonderful musician's passing. "When you strip it all away, Jerry Garcia destroyed his life on drugs. And yet he's being honored, like some godlike figure. Our priorities are out of whack, folks." he went on to say.

I didn't find these words justified at all. Jerry was far from perfect, but he brought a lot of joy to a lot of people, and helped a good many along the way as well. I remember the Rex Foundation and the Seva Foundation, and I'm sure there are many charities I'm forgetting (A Google search for "Jerry Garcia's charities" was cluttered with stolen toilet stories). He didn't deserve to be put down by anyone, much less someone whose main talent and endeavor is self-promotion.

I didn't like Rush before that. Afterwards, I really loathed him.

Since I'm not Jewish, then, I allowed myself the luxury of feeling GREAT when Rush was charged with felony prescription drug abuse. After all, Rush was on record saying things like this:

"Too many whites are getting away with drug use...Too many whites are getting away with drug sales...The answer is to go out and find the ones who are getting away with it, convict them and send them up the river, too."

and

...We are becoming too tolerant as a society, folks, especially of crime, in too many parts of the country.... This country certainly appears to be tolerant, forgive and forget. I mean, you know as well as I do, you go out and commit the worst murder in the world and you just say you're sorry, people go, "Oh, OK. A little contrition."... People say, "I feel better. He said he's sorry for it." We're becoming too tolerant, folks.

                                         --Rush Limbaugh TV show 10/5/95

Of course, in a world ruled by ideals he would be hung on his own gallows. But we don't live there. Colonel Law 'n' Order made a deal with the court yesterday, after pleading not guilty on Friday . If he complies with it he'll be off the hook in 18 months. "Do you think if there was any real evidence, we would have reached a settlement?" he said.

Well, actually, yes I do. I don't think there would have been an agreement if Rush thought for one second that he could beat the rap. The chest banger whose whole schtick is proclaiming himself right? Are we kidding? Nothing would beat the ratings boost that fighting this and winning would give him. He'd just have to be sure he DOES win.

Aye, there's the rub.

We Americans know what these agreements mean, anyway. We see it all the time. People make these agreements because they are guilty but aren't going to pay for it, because they 1) are rich 2) are famous 3) know something useful about someone worse than them. I think most of us would also doubt that people with no evidence against them will submit to drug rehab and random testing for 2 1/2 years.

So the agreement is that he continue with rehab and tests, and cannot own a gun. Too tolerant, indeed.

I'm actually a little saddened about the no-gun provision. I'd hoped he could get together with Dick Cheney sometime. Maybe do a little hunting.

Okay, so you've chosen and installed a BT client, scanned the sites, picked something to snag, and wondered if I'd ever get around to finishing this damn tutorial. What to do now?

Believe it or not, you've done the tough stuff already.

The next thing to do is set aside some space for everything. I have a folder on my C drive labelled "BT Download". Inside I have folders for "Music" and "Books". Everything I download is in a seperate folder. This is important especially in music, where two completely unrelated torrents might have files with the same name, such as the ever popular "Track 1". You just have to admire people with that much imagination.

Having gotten that ready, you then go to the web page for the item you wish to download. Somewhere on that page you will see a link to download a file. This link will usually say "Download" or it will have the name of a file with an extension of ".torrent". This is called a torrent file, and it is used to connect your client to that particular swarm, and no other. When asked where to put this file, I will make a new folder in the appropriate place and name it after the item I'm downloading. If I'm getting a Neil Young concert from Feb. 27, 1971, for example, I'll name the folder "NY 1971-02-27". When you collect bootlegs for a long while, you get used to using that dating scheme for easier sorting. Some folks might want to put the venue in there, as well, but I save that for the lists and labels.

Once you have the torrent file, you are ready to go. Open up your client, then click on "torrent" or "start torrent", depending on what client you've chosen (I use utorrent, so I'll be instructing from that). The program will kick up a search window, so you can find your torrent file. Go to the folder you've created, and click on that file.

The client will then ask you where you want to put the new files. I always put them in the same folder as the torrent file. Why complicate things?

After you click on a place, the client takes over. You really don't need to do anything more, except remember to share. You can stop the download anytime, and pick up right where you left off later. That's one of the best things about BT.

The buttons on top and the tabs on the bottom are pretty much self explanatory, so I'll leave that alone unless I'm asked to explain it. The space in the middle has your download info, and that's where the action is. On my client, I have the info organized like this, from left to right.

1) Torrent name.

2) Torrent number. Since I have cable, I have the bandwidth to handle four or five torrents at once. If you have DSL, you might want to keep it at one or two. Remember, you only have so much bandwidth and the different torrents must share it. If you open too many, all will slow down, and surfing the net at the same time will be a hassle.

3) Download size. BT was designed to help people upload large amounts of info. I have been on torrents that were up to nine gigabytes.

4) Amount of data downloaded.

5) Percentage completed.

6) Status. This will usually say "downloading" or "seeding".

7) # of seeds. This is the number of people in the torrent who have 100% and are continuing to upload, THAT YOU ARE CONNECTED TO. There might be 55 people seeding from all over the world, but if your client has only connected to 18 of them, that is the number that will show on the client. There is also, on utorrent, a number in parenthesis called a "scrape". This, in the example given, would be 55.

8) # of peers. These are the other people downloazding. You will connect to them because you will swap data with them, so that everybody, including you, finishes sooner. This works just like the # of seeds slot.

9) Download speed.

10) Upload speed.

11) ETA. Since speeds can vary quickly, take this data with a grain of salt.

12) Amount of data uploaded.

13) Share ratio. This should always, when possible end up above one.Since upload speeds are slower than download speeds, this almost always means staying on after you complete the download. The only exception is when the original uploader is uploading very slowly on a popular torrent. I am, as I write this, downloading a SBD of the Jeff Beck Group in 1972. I've downloaded 76.9% and have a share ratio of 1.76. Except for the hiatus while I moved, I stayed on, while the other leechers AND the seeder came and went, so most of the other leechers have gotten the data from me, not the seeder.

14) Available data. This is how many copies of the complete data the client sees on your computer AND the computers of those you're connected to. No one is looking at your hard drive, so don't worry. Your client is announcing how much of the data you have.

This last one is interesting. Suppose I am on a torrent with one other leecher and no seeder. I have 80% and the other guy has 45%. If my 80% includes all the data for the 55% he still needs, and his 45% includes all the data for the 20% that I still need, then we can just swap the data and both of us will complete WITHOUT the seeder. It doesn't happen often, but it's something to look for if you see something you want that isn't being seeded.

It is very helpful if the client has access to ports that are not firewalled. You will know if yours are by looking at the torrent stats at the website you're downloading from. They all have ways to show if you are firewalled. Firewalling can slow things down by making you impossible to connect to unless you initiate the connection. If there are 10 peers and 8 of them are firewalled, that torrent will run slowly because those 8 people will never connect with each other. Firewalls are very useful tools, but should be adjusted to suit your BT client. That is usually pretty easy. Go get your modem manual and read THIS and you'll be good to go.

One last thing about the process itself- BT enables you to have great download speeds, but does not insure it. SOmetimes you just have to wait because things are moving slowly. Other times, the people on the other end may be using a work computer that has to be off at night, or have problems with their systems. Always remember that you were getting something for free in the first place, and either wait for it or move on to something else. I've gotten some real gems just from hanging on.

DIfferent things will come in different file formats, and may require fiddling with. Music files will almost always be compressed, but many sites require that to be "lossless" compression, so that no wavelengths are lost in translation. I download from those sites almost exclusively. The most common that you'll see are .flac and .shn. There is another (.ape) that I see once in a blue moon, but it hasn't really mattered yet. Download the free programs behind those links to check the data on the music files and decompress them to .wav files that you can burn.

DVD files are usually uncompressed, and in a format that can be burned straight to disc. I don't know why.

Comic books will usually be made to be read with CDisplay, a great little viewer that also works with .jpg, bitmap, .gif and who knows what else. Some comics will be in Adobe format, as will most other texts.

That all said, you're ready to roll. I've found a wealth of information and entertainment within easy reach by using this system, and I'm sure you will as well. Get in the habit of keeping lists EARLY. Once you have a big pile and want to do some trading, that list will become necessary, and a daunting task to begin at that stage. I'm available for questions.

And in a year or so, send me your list. You might have found something I've been looking for!